[Raychel's Blog]
just heredo ppl take depression lightly???
2007-05-19
I had someone say the most idiotic statement to me today..
to share some about this topic.... my openness in suffering from depression. It was just one of many I've heard over the years. I won't name names or repeat the statement to protect the uninformed, but instead I decided to make this post hoping that maybe some minds will open and possibly I could help to clarify some misunderstandings.
Depression 1st and foremost is a medical condition, it's no different then someone having a heart defect, asthma, or even diabetes.
2nd Depression comes in many forms and levels of severity.
3rd Depression does not make someone unstable or crazy.
Depression is simply caused by a lack of certain chemicals in ones brain that are needed to produce feelings of contentment and happiness. This lack of chemicals can be caused by life events such as a death of a loved one or in my case, by my brain's inability to regulate their natural production.
For me personally, depression is/works a lot like a light switch, it just switches on or off, basically my brain just stops and then some time later on, starts again producing chemicals.
The best way I can describe my depression is to have you think of someone in your life, very close to you that has passed away, now think about how much pain you went through and how you eventually where able to grieve through the loss and come out the other side. Depression for me is like having someone flip a switch and all that pain (the same you felt dealing with your loved ones death) hit me all at once. The hardest part is that unlike your dealing with the death, I have no death or any other event to grieve through, I'm unable to ever get through to the other side.
For the most part I can feel in coming on, little hints start pooping up in my mood and personality prier (some times just minuets and sometimes weeks before) I watch for these signs and so do those that are close to me, they can be the only warning we/I get before the tsunami hits.
Suicide is a side effect of depression (meaning it's caused by it), when the pain is so great (and again remember there is no cause to grieve through) it's just there and it's killing you.
Think of it this way; you have just gone without water for days and your trapped in a hot inhospitable desert. Now imagine someone offers you a glass of ice-cold crystal clear water, all you can drink. Would you want it, wouldn't you do almost anything to get it? That's as close to being able to explain it as I can get. It's like every cell in your being is screaming for that glass of water (to end life). It's a very hard desire to fight and one so far, I have been very lucky in battling.
I have come very close several times (just stopping before the act) and once on Dec 05 1998 went through with it. That night I took 60 Tylenol PMs and 30 Benadryl. I woke up the next day in ICU with 4 IVs and a feeding tube in me. It took 4 days before I had the strength to lift my head up off the pillow.
I now know suicide is never the answer, I was totally blown away by how many people I hurt in making the attempt. But I do feel it's important to explain why I chose to attempt it and still fight the desire nearly every day. It's kind of like being an alcoholic, every day you fight temptation trying to stay sober, of in my case to stay alive.
So again;
Depression is a lot like Diabetes; both are caused by the body's inability to regulate its needed chemicals.
Depression is not like Diabetes because people except diabetes as a medical condition and aren't afraid of it or the people dealing with it. They simple understand it's a condition that the person is living with, is taking medication for, and that it doesn't keep the person from being able to live a close to normal life.
So to my person today with the idiotic statement, Depression is my cross to bear in this life, and people like you are the stones I have to carry my cross over and through. It's a burden I have excepted (hence the fact I'm still alive). I just pray for you that my burden never becomes yours and that your eyes and heart will open someday, seeing people for the soul that lies within them and not just for the defects they suffer from.
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